Dear Marcel,
I have a crush on a shy indie rock boy. I need help.
Love, A Loser

A crush on a shy indie rock boy. Now there's an enviable position. Now I'm gonna try to get as in-depth as possible, here, but really with shy indie rock boys the best advice for getting them to go out with you is just this simple: ask. If you've met this boy a few times, especially if it's been at the same place, odds are he's there because he thinks you're cute and was hoping to see you again. Of course, once he sees you, Lord knows he hasn't a clue what to say to you. And God forbid he buy you a drink or something. That's so Neanderthal.

Okay, so a primer on indie rock boys is what you're looking for. There are many things to know about these boys, but by far the most important is they are more afraid of you than you are of them. You may feel hesitant to approach a boy that you like. Despite decades of progress regarding gender issues, many girls still feel awkward making a move on a boy. Well, I'll tell you, sister (heteronormative alert! '” ed.), you're not getting very far with this boy with that attitude. Many indie rock boys grew up as unconscionable losers who felt rejected their whole lives. While you would think this would give them skin like rhinos, it generally means they fear rejection even more than your average human being '” now that's formidable fear!

While it shouldn't be up to you to deal with these deeply rooted psychological issues, if you want this thing to move along at any reasonable pace, you're going to have to either make a few clear moves or at least make yourself as obvious as humanly possible. Then next thing to keep in mind is that this generation of wan, pouty 'œfeelers'? came of age in a time of extreme political correctness. And at the same time, all their loving and lusting was directed at young political girls with unique hairstyles and strong convictions. They also tend to be the boys who end up having a lot of girl friends (as opposed to girlfriends). Between the teenaged militarism of their lust objects and tales of 'œcreepy'? guys from their dear friends, the average shy indie rock boy has developed a self-consciousness rooted in the fear of he himself being creepy. He could be the sweetest guy in the world, but still he will worry that showing interest in a girl sexually will be taken as a negative thing.

Moving on, we need tips for how to successfully communicate your desire to get to know this boy better. First order of business is always ask him about his band. The benefits to this are myriad. It shows you have an interest in his life and interests. It's a great conversation starter that you can use multiple times, '˜cuz there'll always be something new to talk about. And every indie rock boy, despite a truly genuine love of music, really only puts the effort into having a band and learning an instrument in hopes that it will impress girls. So as soon as you are talking about his band, you are immediately making yourself cool for obviously liking the same things he does (this benefit fades as people get older and stop caring about such things so much), and you are activating the same part of his brain that excites him sexually, as he has perpetually equated his struggle to put a band together with meeting girls. Good show!

Lastly, you need tips on things to do with your shy rock boy. Group activities like potlucks and picnics are always a good start, especially if you have friends in common. When you are ready to branch off to just the two of you hanging out, I suggest an art gallery or something fun you used to do as a young'un but haven't in years. That will create the opportunity to share stories from the past, laugh and create a bond of fond memories.

Oh, and one final note: if the shy indie rock boy happens to be me, laugh and make laugh. That's all it takes really.