Dear Marcel,
I have a serious problem that has recently cropped up. After months of build-up to the release of the new Arcade Fire record, I bought it based on curiosity of everyone's general excitement. Here's the thing, Marcel. I don't like it. I am terrified of the effect this could have on my social life. I have already been out chatting to girls and as soon as this record inevitably comes up, everything turns sour. What can I do?
'” Pseudonym withheld upon request

Oh my. Oh deary dear. I'll tell you, I am, by nature and creed, a staunch individualist. At every turn, I recommend staying absolutely true to yourself and paying no mind to what the masses socializing in the back of the room think or say about it. That said, my advice to you is to go buy a ticket to the next Arcade Fire show before it sells out. Now, to be clear, I don't mean that in a 'œyou-have-to-see-them-live'? sort of way (although'¦). This is your entire social life at stake here. So rather than having to familiarize yourself with this record you don't like so you can speak about it with authority, just show up at the concert and make sure to wander around a lot, covering the whole venue several times over. This way a great number of people will see you at this show and when they see you again later, you will be free from persecution. With your face now being associated with the Arcade Fire, girls will not run like you just told them you want them to come home with you, change your diaper and let you suck on their teat til you fall asleep gassy and contented. I know this phony course of action may sound extreme, but it's either that or you find the half-dozen or so tolerant and accepting indie kids out there and see if they'll be your new friends.

Dear Marcel,
I like to wear diapers. It is my fantasy to bring a girl home, have her change my diaper, and suck on her breast until I fall asleep. I am afraid that if I ask a girl to do this she will get scared and never want to talk to me again. How can I fulfill my fantasy without skeeving out half the population of Toronto?
'” Mama's Boy

I wouldn't worry too much, Mama's Boy. From what I understand, your fantasy is quite a common one amongst indie boys. If these girls are going to get any action at all, they're going to have to get used to the idea.

Dear Marcel,
Is it ever okay to tell your friend that his band sucks? Is there an appropriate way to do this?
'” Run From Cover

What are you, the most polite asshole ever? You're chomping at the bit to hurt your friend's feelings so bad that even though you clearly don't feel right about it (or else you already would have done it), you are looking for my permission to do so. I've been turning this question over in my head for a while now and I can't come up with a single reason why you would want to do this. At best, I could see if he's a close friend, you could share with him that what he's doing is not up your alley. But if he is playing for people, obviously somebody's enjoying it. You don't have to go to the shows. Why would you want to discourage him like that? And if he's just jamming with his band in private what's the harm in leaving him to it?

Besides, who are you anyway? That fat, balding Svengali who created the Backstreet Boys and O-Town? What makes it so necessary that your opinion be heard? That you shape the future of music?