DEAR MARCEL,
I FEAR I HAVE MADE A HORRIBLE BREACH OF ETIQUETTE. WHILE OUT WITH SOME CO-WORKERS RECENTLY THE CONVERSATION TURNED TO THE BAR SCENE IN STAR WARS. WHEN ONE GUY BROUGHT UP THE TOPIC, ANOTHER ASKED "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE FIRST STAR WARS OR EPISODE ONE?" IMMEDIATELY UPON HEARING THESE WORDS I REPEATED THEM IN MY BEST NERDY VOICE. UPON DELIVERY OF THIS TEASING, THE GUY IT WAS DIRECTED TOWARD CLAMMED UP AND REMAINED WITHDRAWN FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. MY INTENTION WAS GOOD NATURED RIBBING, BUT NOW I FEAR I REALLY HURT HIS FEELINGS. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM?
- JABBA JERK

I'll tell ya, Jerk, I really don't think you have much to worry about on this one. While your humour was deliberately aimed at this one character, I don't think it was anything of such a harsh nature that he couldn't get over it right quick enough. And if he can't, he is truly a pale flower and it would be a public service to him to get harsher with your barbs so as to integrate him properly into civilized society.

A few jokes and some mild teasing are to be expected when you get a group of people together to talk over drinks. In fact, it is a major component to the camaraderie that is being attempted. The appropriate response, on his end, would have been to laugh along with you and maybe offer up a good-natured "fuck you" to recognize that he's been zinged.

Still, I suppose you may have hurt his feelings. And while that may not be an entirely reasonable result of your actions, you may be the sort who won't feel right about it. If this is the case you could always get him a fruit basket or an early valentine. I'm sure the sentiment will have him weeping with forgiveness.

DEAR MARCEL,
I AM WRITING IN RESPONSE TO YOUR ADVICE TO PSEUDONYM WITHHELD UPON REQUEST. (OCTOBER WAVELENGTH). HOW COULD YOU TELL HIM TO PRETEND TO LIKE THE ARCADE FIRE? HOW DARE YOU!?! THIS IS CLEARLY ONE OF THE FEW CLEAR MINDED AND RATIONAL PEOPLE IN THIS CITY. I SUPPOSE IF HE WAS AN AMERICAN ASKING FOR VOTING ADVICE YOU WOULD TELL HIM TO VOTE BUSH JUST TO AVOID ROCKING THE BOAT. BECAUSE WHAT YOU'VE TOLD HIM TO DO IS TANTAMOUNT TO VOTING BUSH. THE ARCADE FIRE ARE EVIL. THEY SUPPORT THE CORPORATIONS AND THAT IS HOW THEY MAKE THEIR MONEY. NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S A MEDIA CONSPIRACY! THEY ARE IN BED WITH THE MEDIA (WHO ARE IN BED WITH THE CORPORATIONS - WHO ARE IN BED WITH GEORGE W. BUSH) WHO HAVE BRAINWASHED THE INDIE ROCK MASSES. I MEAN DID YOU NOTICE HOW NOBODY EVER LISTENED TO THE ARCADE FIRE OR WENT TO ANY OF THEIR SHOWS AND ALL OF A SUDDEN EXCLAIM! AND NOW DO COVER STORIES ON THEM AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO NOT LIKE THEM.

IT ALSO MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE THE WAY PEOPLE DANCE AT THEIR SHOWS. THEY SEEM LIKE THEY'VE TURNED INTO MINDLESS ZOMBIES - AS IF THE ARCADE FIRE HAVE BEEN HAND SELECTED BY GEORGE W. BUSH HIMSELF TO HEAD UP THE NEW ARYAN-BELTED YOUTH MOVEMENT.

PEOPLE, RISE UP AGAINST THIS POPPY, DANCEABLE FASCISM! CLEAR YOUR HEADS OF THE CORPORATE MEDIA, BUSH-CRONY, SATAN WORSHIPPING CONSPIRACY. LISTEN TO MUSIC THAT IS SINCERE! MUSIC THAT IS REAL!

LISTEN TO ANDREW WK!
- HUNKY WHITEMAN

SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO: DEARMARCEL@WAVELENGTHTORONTO.COM