GOT-STOOD-UP CHOCOLATE OATMEAL COOKIES

This month's chef: Not Will Munro

Sometimes, a girl just gets stood up. The initial exchanges seem promising, she gets all excited, picks out her outfit, and then suddenly she realizes that her deadline is fast approaching and her celebrity chef of choice WON'T RETURN HER CALLS! Paralytic depression and low self-esteem can only be fended off by immediate and repeated doses of chocolate baked goods.

Baking can be a bit scary to the average bear. Unlike the stir-frys* and soups all novice home cookers can knock out with just a little help, baking involves serious, practical chemistry. There's a very good reason for all the proportions and orders-of-operations in a successful cookie recipe. That being said, baking is soooo worth the effort. Big stacks of warm, homemade cookies and crackers, not to mention cakes and pies and bready things, are exactly what you want filling your kitchen, ready for eating and making your whole apartment smell stupid good. And if you do decide to throw caution to the wind and experiment, the worst thing that'll happen is that you'll have blown half and hour or so having fun and making mudpies. Or you might just come up with some brand new brilliant, previously unknown cookie that will make your rep among pals and roommates.

Another excellent reason to learn the basics of baking is that so many of the ingredients are cheap as fuck and non-perishable, and can be stored in a corner of your kitchen until needed. Hell, you've probably already got most of the things you need. Cocoa, oatmeal, baking powder and the like seem to find their way into even the least domestic person's cupboards. Everything's all ready for emergencies.

So if you're sitting home alone, feeling rejected and dejected, or mourning John Peel**, or whatever, why not do a big bake? A quick trip to any grocery store will get you any supplies you need, you'll be off your ass and doing something, and you will be on your way to feeding yourself handfuls of the ultimate anti-depressant. All sadness can be soothed with cookies, and nervous fears becalmed with chocolate.

Pre-heat your oven to about 350°. Cream together 1 cup margarine, 1 cup brown sugar, and two eggs, or their equivalent in egg replacer. (Vanilla custard, made from custard powder and soymilk, is the bestest egg replacer around for baking with. A tin of custard powder costs like, half of what a box of powdered 'œEgg Replacer'? will set you back.)

In another bowl, mix together: 1 cup quick cook oats
1 1/2 cups flour (Whole wheat is my fave, for the nostalgic 'œmom cookies'? flavour and texture. But I was raised by a bunch of hippies.) 1/4 cup almond meal (That's ground almonds with the skin still on. It makes the cookies moist and fudgey. Get it in bulk in Kensington Market) 1/3 cup cocoa powder dash each of cinnamon and salt 1 tsp baking powder.

Mix the dry ingredients into the wet. When thoroughly mixed, make circley cookies by scooping up bits of dough about the size of ping-pong balls, and rolling and squishing them between your palms. Cook the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet for about 12 minutes per sheet.

Makes about 30 cookies.

*And can I just have a word with the boys out there that think they impress anyone with their stir-fry-making skills? And who ask you over and are all like 'œYeah, I'm going to, like, cook you dinner.'? And 'œdinner'? is the same stir-fry recipe that they hand out to all boys in high school health class, or something. That shit's not gonna get you laid past the age of 30, guys. Learn some new recipes, cause you don't want to be Stir Fry Guy. Cause you know who Stir Fry Guy grows up to be? Paella Man. And you really, really don't want to be Paella Man.

** Who, in addition to all his other coolnesses, was a vegetarian, too.

(Rock'n'Roll Cooking show returns to it's regular format next month. Confidential to W.M.: Call me! We can still be friends, right?)

BY EMILY ZIMMERMAN - EMILY@WAVELENGTHTORONTO.COM