ALONE IN THE DARK
(directed by Uwe Boll, starring Christian Slater + Tara Reid)

JASON: The best thing about Alone in the Dark is obviously the casting - I haven't seen such a star-studded line-up since The Cannonball Run 2. Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff together on a film set in Vancouver... think of the amount of damage they could do. Really, there shouldn't be anything left of the city for those crappy CGI monsters to destroy. Christian and Tara were out with Ben Affleck the infamous evening when he got smothered in B.C. strippers and J-Lo had to fly in to rescue him. Van City just brings out the worst in people.

JONNY: And the best thing about the casting of Alone in the Dark is the way Tara Reid pronounces "NewFOUNDland" - actually, the way she reads all her lines like a bored high school girl reading aloud from a textbook. That's also really the only Canadiana reference besides the ubiquitous Haida totem poles at the museum, which fit nicely with the P.C. pseudo-ethnic soundtrack, yet at the same time the filmmakers feel free to rewrite native peoples' history, just like in Alien vs. Predator. So you kinda liked this, eh? I found it mostly dull and incoherent, though there were two awesome things: the monster taking down both helicopters, and the girl with her head split open.

JASON: Man, that little bit of good old-fashioned gore goes a long way when the rest of the movie looks like it was jimmied up on a G3. But we ain't done talking about Tara. Her second-best moment: when she and Slater are getting stalked by some spiky creature and she says [imagine bored, slightly drunk monotone delivery] "The hair on the back of my neck just stood up." I thought: don't worry about it, just wet it down with some Jagermeister. And what was she so scared of, anyway? The lizard beasts? The cheap-o zombie people? The GAP employees in paramilitary gear? Jonny, what the hell was this movie even about? I was too busy trying to figure out why Slater was dressed like Stallone in Cobra.

JONNY: Weren't you paying attention during that opening prologue scroll? The guy was reading it to us, in case we were functionally illiterate. So, there was this ancient ancient Native American civilization, and they found these monsters that live in the dark, and then these bad people from the 1970s used them to possess some poor kids in an orphanage, and that's what made Tara Reid's boob pop out of her dress at P-Diddy's party, and start to melt!

JASON: What's that boob made of, anyway? Marzipan?