Silent Film Soundtrack is an up-and-coming band with that "Bruce Springsteen-meets-Fugazi" sound that Southern Ontario's starting to be known for. How_Gauche donned his finest smoking jacket, poured himself a pint glass of milk, and sat down with Parker from Silent Film Soundtrack for an intimate face-to-face interview.

THIS DUDE I RAN INTO LAST WEEK SAID THAT HE THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MOST UNDER-RATED BAND IN ONTARIO. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
I suppose we think it's better to be under-rated than over-rated. We love to hear things like that. We hope more people will hear us soon-- this year we plan on doing some proper touring, so hopefully we can change that.

CHOOSE BETWEEN THE FOLLOWING ITEMS AND EXPLAIN WHY YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE. A) BAGEL ARMS, B) I WELCOME YOU
I'd have to say I WELCOME YOU because it is so inviting -- it's a warm duvet. My friends will be upset that I'm not saying bagel arms, because I can do a pretty good impression of a bagel

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHAT DOES BEING IN A ROCK BAND MEAN TO YOU PERSONALLY? WHY NOT TEND TO GARDENS?
I think we chose this art form because we love making music. We're all still in skewl and we all have jobs, but somewhere amongst all that we find the time to rock out. Being in a rock band means stickin' it to the man -- (sometimes using tambourines) -- being in a rock band is also about playing live, the live show is what it is all about. It's the same high some people get tending to gardens.

A POWERFUL EVIL GENIE APPEARS AND INFORMS YOU THAT YOU ARE TO BE CURSED FOR ALL ETERNITY (WELL, UNTIL YOU DIE) WITH ONE OF THE
FOLLOWING AFFLICTIONS: EITHER YOU GROW A TAIL OR YOU WILL LEAVE BEHIND A TRAIL OF PAPRIKA WHEREVER YOU GO. WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE, AND WHY?
I already have a tail, so unless I can re-write this question to read "or you will grow another tail...", I'll have to say paprika.

SILENT FILM SOUNDTRACK IS OPENING A RESTAURANT. WHAT'S ON THE
DINNER MENU?
I assume our restaurant would have daily rock shows, with pinball machines, Pepto Bismol on tap, samosas, sushi and Amato's pizza (or we'd build next door to Amato's), with Heart playing on the stereo.

EXPLAIN (IF AT ALL) HOW YOUR MUSIC RELATES TO SEX.
We've been told we play sex rock before.... I'm still not sure what that means. Music is sexy.

THIS IS A DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS-RELATED QUESTION. YOU AND YOUR PARTY ARE PLANNING AN ASSAULT ON THE DREAD LICH MOANDAIN'S EVIL CASTLE. YOU'LL NEED TO TRAVEL LIGHT -- DO YOU TAKE YOUR +5 VORPAL BROADSWORD, OR THE WEAKER (BUT PERHAPS MORE APPROPRIATE) +2 PALADIN'S SWORD WHICH CAN TURN UNDEAD AS IF IT WERE A 12TH LEVEL CLERIC?
Ae we talking Spanish D&D? The rules vary from place to place.