The Soundtrack of Our Loves
By Matt Blair

I always figured that music and relationships didn't have much to do with each other. Throughout high school and university, I don't think I dated a single woman who was really into the music I liked. There just weren't that many girls around who liked old punk and industrial records.

Sure, music had its place. We had 'œour'? songs and whatnot. But looking back, they were almost always her songs. Which makes sense, because people like Ani DiFranco have more to say about love than Skinny Puppy. But it wasn't a bad situation. When I was a dating a girl, I'd listen to her music, and after we'd broken up, I wouldn't have any musical reminders of her, because I don't have any Ani DiFranco records.

When I was growing up in the suburbs and when I was living in a college town where everybody loved Dave Matthews Band, I met just about every woman I dated through school. But these days, if I'm not at home or at the office, I'm at a club party or a rock show. It's suddenly become tough to meet a woman who doesn't love the same music as I do, because I'm meeting them at places where people go to hear it. Which is great, but for the first time in my life, I'm getting into relationships in which, when they don't work out, I'll find out later that I can't listen to my records anymore because they remind me of her and make me feel miserable.

Is this what everybody else has been going through this whole time? This sucks! Why didn't somebody tell me?

Not that it's bad to date someone who's into the same music as you. But when somebody you've fallen for, like the girl you met at the Weakerthans show, ends up ruining something that you truly love, like the Weakerthans, it makes you wonder what you really wanted out of the relationship. When it feels less like you broke up with the girl and more like you broke up with the Weakerthans, then something's up.

It gets you thinking about the other people in your local indie scene, especially if it's as close-knit and incestuous as the Toronto community can be. Is she dating that guitarist because she likes him, or just because she likes dating a guitarist? Are we spending time with people that we really care about, or just people who complement our indie identities?

I'm not saying that we're just a bunch of shallow hipsters. We just happen to care a lot about music. So much, perhaps, that the people who care about us end up having to compete with music for our affections. Sometimes, no matter how much we might fight it, the music wins. Call it a tragic flaw, if you like.

A little while ago, I met a DJ. We bonded because of shared musical tastes, and eventually we hooked up. It was a great weekend, not a relationship, but I came away with a schoolboy crush on her. Still, we went our separate ways, she met a guy who I'm sure is very nice, and that was that.

Now, the reason I was attracted to her was because she was an amazing woman. I've been over this a million times, and it wasn't just because she was a DJ. Still, the DJ part was really cool. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but even as I was trying to get over her, I was also trying to get over the idea of being with a DJ. I felt rejected by a woman, but I also felt rejected by the scene.

Have you ever bought the coolest indie record you could find, just to prove that you were in control of your love life? Because I have, and when I put it on, it just reminded me of her. That's when I realized that the indie scene played a bigger part in my love life that I'd like to admit.

But things could be worse. A friend of mine was recently rejected by a guy who said she wasn't 'œindie enough.'? Now, there's a man who's come to terms with the fact that he cares more about image than people, and obviously she's better off. Most of us aren't that bad, but we're as prone to lapses in judgment as anyone else. And the more we view the indie community as a scene full of cool people, rather than an actual community of real people, the more likely we are to go for style rather than substance.