Weird. That's all I can say. Folks all around town have been seein' weird stuff and they've been hearin' weird stuff. On my search for 'œthe truth'?, I was led to two fellas that may very well have the answers I had been looking for. Their names are Craig Dunsmuir and Sandro Perri and together they be Glissandro 70, straight up. Here's the sweaty details.

WELL, BOYS, I'M GONNA STRAIGHT UP TELL YA WHY I AM QUESTIONING YOU TONIGHT. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SEEING SOME ODD THINGS AROUND TOWN LATELY-- FLASHING LIGHTS, STRANGE LITTLE MEN LURKIN' IN BUSHES AND FUZZY SPACE BOOTS ALL OVER QUEEN ST. WEST.
CD: Those are not space boots, they are occupational boots. They have much earthier purposes.
SP: You must have been standing outside the mother ship...

SO TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SOVIET WEAPON/SYNTH 'œJUNOST-70'??SP: Juno 70?

NO. IT'S A RUSSIAN SYNTHESIZER EQUIPPED WITH A 'œGLISSANDRO'? UNIT. EXPLAIN YOURSELVES.
SP: Well, Craig and I are both Russian sympathizers, so it makes sense that the Russian sympathizer would have a 'œGlissandro'? button on it.
CD: We just got removed from the McCarthy blacklist last year, so we're pretty proud of that. We are happy that we can finally put something out now.

NOW THAT WE GOT THE BASICS OUT OF THE WAY, FELLAS, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS. YOU CROON AND CHANT HAPPILY ABOUT LOVE. ARE YOU BOTH FEELIN' THE SPRING LOVIN' AT THE MOMENT?
CD: Uh... I'm realizing you gotta work for love. Right now I'm workin' for love, and then my lovin' will start.
SP: It's true, I agree. Love is a full time job. It's a job that's done best with love.

NOW THAT WE'VE TOUCHED ON LOVE, BOYS, I NEED TO ASK YOU SOME SHIT-SERIOUS QUESTIONS, HERE. YOU MENTION UFOS IN VERSE. HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING THEM THING FLYIN' AROUND LATELY?
CD: No, but I suspect that Juan Atkins did way back when in 1985 in Detroit. Maybe they were just flying Ford rims. He was the original scientist who devised the 'œNo UFOs'? formula. He won the 'œIll'n Bell'? for sonic chemistry.

A LOT OF YOUR GUYS' STUFF IS FUNK-INFLUENCED, SO I GOTTA ASK THIS QUESTION. DO YOU BOYS OPERATE A MUTHA SHIP, AND IF SO, ARE YOU 'œGONNA TURN THIS MUTHA OUT'??
SP: I'm pretty much the funkiest guy I know. Just look at me, it's sick. I'm dripping with funk right now. I'm soaking in malt vinegar funk right now as we speak. LEMON SCALLOP FUNK.

GOD YES. I THINK I'VE SEEN THIS SORT OF WEIRD STUFF BEFORE. I SAW THIS KIND OF THING ON AN EPISODE OF UNSOLVED MYSTERIES. HAVE EITHER OF YOU GENTLEMEN EVER WATCHED UNSOLVED MYSTERIES? THE TRUTH, PLEASE.
CD: No... I'm lying. Yeah, I wish I remembered Robert Stack's voice. I remember being pretty terrified of his voice. I was more comforted by Leonard Nimoy's voice on In Search Of... Let's hear what the Scallopian tube has to say.
SP: The way that I became so funky is, when I was about 18 years old, a friend of mine was taking engineering classes with George Clinton and he got me his autograph. Since then it's pretty much been a... slippery slope, you might say.

SLIPPERY WITH ALL THE SWEAT?
SP: You got it.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET. DO YOU THINK MR. ROBERT STACK MAY HAVE BEEN CONCEALING A SUPER-NATURALLY MUSCULAR BOD UNDERNEATH THAT TRENCHCOAT OF HIS? YOUR HONESTY IS CRUCIAL.
CD: Never mind that. It makes you wonder if he was wearing anything underneath it.

EXACTLY! MUSCLES AND ALL, HUH?
CD: He wasn't even wearing any muscles under that.
SP: If you want to know about funk, muscles and trench coats, I have two words for you-- Bootsy Collins.

HMM'¦ DO YOU BOYS BELIEVE THAT TORONTO IS SAFE FROM AN ALIEN INVASION?
CD: Actually, Toronto is prime alien territory. That's what makes Toronto such a great city. We're all aliens here.

SO WE SHOULD EMBRACE THE ALIEN INVASION?
CD: Resistance is FUNKUTILE.

ONE LAST QUESTION, FELLAS. ARE WE, AS TORONTONIANS, SAFE FROM THE HAUNTED, YET LOGICAL, VOICE OF ROBERT STACK?
CD: Not anymore, now that you mention it.
SP: No comment.

.......The mystery continues.........

By Greg Quin