This week got me brainstorming possible F-word replacements. So far I've only come up with minor variations, like Woody Allen telling Annie Hall "I lerve you." My new past time comes courtesy of Brampton's laid-back mad scientist, Friendly Rich and his vaudeville orchestra, The Lollipop People. Their Bob Wiseman-produced album We Need a New F-Word is scheduled for release on Rich's own Pumpkin Pie label in November. For now you can catch them live at Wavelength and maybe get invited to one of Rich's famous watermelon parties.

TEN IS A LOT OF LOLLIPOP PEOPLE. HOW ABOUT A QUICK INTRODUCTORY ROLL-CALL?

It's really becoming a nice family of friendly musicians. Working with the Lollipop People has been a true period of growth for me; I feel honoured to work with such talented musicians and free-thinking humanoids. Scott Good and Scott Thomson on trombones make it easy to get a good fart sound. Jeff Burke on bassoon brings the sinister, kids-show feel that only a bassoon can provide. Kimberley Pritchard can play any line imaginable on the accordion (a disciple of the great Joseph Macerollo). Hector Moreno and Mike Olsen play the wooden cellos, accompanied by Jon Meyer on wooden double bass. Nichol S. Robertson plucks a mean banjo, and one day I will buy him a private porch for music-making and watermelon. Kristen Theriault will bring her harp into any context you like, through snow (Xmas carolling), a parade ("The Parade of Noises, Brampton every June), in an elevator, or into a dive like Sneaky Dee's; she is fearless. Sly Juhas will hit anything except a woman'¦ a gentleman of a percussionist. Sometimes we are able to include Gregory Oh on harpsichord. Those nights are extra special.

DON'T ACCORDIONS, LIKE PCP, MAKE ANY BAND SOUND SPECTACULAR?

Yes, I love accordions, but what's PCP? If it's a drug, kid, stay off the toot. I quote the great composer C. Smalloochi: "One can either produce or become produce."

THE LOLLIPOP PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS DESCRIBED TO ME USING THE WORDS "CABARET" OR "VAUDEVILLE". AM I GETTING AN ACCURATE IMPRESSION OF YOUR PERFORMANCE STYLE?

I like the words "vaudeville" or "cabaret" to describe my music. We just launched a new vaudeville show in Brampton called "The Friendly Rich Show", featuring an egg circus, puppets, stories, cartoons, crank calls, and The Lollipop People as the orchestra. It is exciting to have a live monthly variety show where the orchestra is in the foreground, like the Laurence Welk Show. It will begin webcasting from friendlyrich.com in November 2005.

ON ONE OF YOUR LIVE TRACKS, YOU CLAIM THE LOLLIPOP PEOPLE DON'T PARTY WELL. WHY IS THAT AND ARE STEPS BEING TAKEN TO IMPROVE THE SITUATION?

Our idea of a good time is eating watermelon in my back yard. We abuse the stuff. Watermelon parties at Friendly's place are renowned... you should come.

BRAMPTON, HOMETOWN OF FRIENDLY RICH: UNSUNG CULTURAL RESOURCE OR JUST A TOWN THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WET FART?

Unsung cultural resource from a town that sounds like a wet fart. Brampton churns out so many creative types, because we have nothing here. So many of the oddball filmmakers, illustrators, musicians, writers we love come from suburbs. I think it's because from nothing, imagination takes over and creates something truly unique. I wish the politicians in these municipalities would take better care of their artists so that so many of them didn't flee (i.e. to Toronto, where all the cool people go, and the distractions are greater). Toronto is a big smelly turd for the arts, and all the flies are buzzing. I don't care where you hail from, it's what you produce that I'm interested in. Toronto, Montreal, or New York are merely nice stages to perform on. Where I flush my toilet and plant my beans is my business. People seem very judgemental of where an artist comes from. This subject fascinates me. I feel somehow that I must defend the underdogs who choose to create great work from a basement in the L-section of Bramalea.

WE NEED A NEW F-WORD IS PRODUCED BY BOB WISEMAN. SHOULD I FEEL THREATENED THAT MY GIRLFRIEND HAS A CRUSH ON HIM?

Feel threatened. Bob is a gentleman, and they are a dying breed.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE F-WORD WE'VE ALREADY GOT?

It's lost its punch. Viagra couldn't save it. Much like the Lord's prayer, or Latin, one too many times and it becomes meaningless. We need to constantly revise and improve as humans. Even something as frivolous as swearing periodically needs a facelift.

YOUR WEBSITE SAYS THAT WE NEED A NEW F-WORD "ENCOURAGES SOCIAL DEVIANTS TO MAKE A CONSTRUCTIVE CONTRIBUTION." WOULD YOU CARE TO ELABORATE ON THAT?

I am tired of these rebels who think celebrating Hitler's birthday and bombing their schools is being rebellious. Much like SUM41 killed the meaning of punk, these kids are spoiling the roots of anarchy. Anarchy was once a healthy ideal, now it's become an idiot patch. I hope to portray a model of anarchy that is construction instead of destructive with my music. We should find something to do in life that helps make this stinkpot a better place. Whatever way we choose to swim in the stream, we should all respect the stream itself.

"LOLLIPOP PEOPLE" IS WHAT BRITISH PEOPLE CALL CROSSING GUARDS AND, IN 2001, THEY WERE EMPOWERED TO HELP ADULTS CROSS THE STREET AS WELL AS CHILDREN. WHAT NEW POWERS DO YOUR LOLLIPOP PEOPLE HAVE OVER ADULTS?

I liked this name the minute I first heard it. Some people don't take us seriously in certain music circles, even though these musicians are all as professional as they come and the music is tighter than a 13 year-old boy. There is an element of satire and humour in the material that some people are quick to discard. Even the name is playful, and some people feel that "play" and "music" should never mix. These puritans, these crusty ADULTS who have lost their sense of being silly that make it a tough place to sometimes exist in. For the other adults who are still childish, who still have wet dreams, who screw for the fun of it, who invent car horn organs... we play for you.

By Evan Dickson