by Trevor Coleman

Things are getting crazy, at least on my end. It's been a short six months since The Boat set sail, and it seems the winds are only getting stronger. I used to wear my captain's hat every show, but now I keep it for special occasions. A lot of the time I think I'll never wear it again. Things lose their sparkle after a bit.

I was mad when I realized that I'd be away for the New Year's Eve party. I'm missing a show that I'd have killed to be at a year ago. But as it gets closer, I'm going to be thankful to have time with my family, who I almost never see anymore.

I've dropped out of school. I don't know where home is. In fact, I'm not even sure I live there anymore. I live from show to show, weekend to weekend, hoping that I picked the right parties. I've been spending a lot of time with people I hardly know, and not nearly enough with the people who know me best.

I never really thought I'd end up here - writing for Wavelength, or booking The Boat, or hell, half out of school. But then who really expects to end up where they end up? Would I rather be three years into my degree and thinking about children?

Some days I would. That's for sure.

I look at my brother, with his home theatre, his wife, his job and his kid and I think he's the luckiest guy on earth. He knows who he is and where he wants to be. But then I'll turn around, and there's a friend getting back from tour, selling a bass to have enough to eat, and I'm just as jealous. So what's the connection?

It's not that I wish I was in a band, or had a steady job for that matter. It's not that I want what they have, or wish I was them. All I want is to know who I am the way they do. I wish I could look inside myself and see what I am, and what I want. To thine own self be true, isn't that how it goes? But what if you're not sure of yourself?

I've met so many people I'm in awe of, and they're not the people you'd expect. My cousin designs alternative energy plants for a living, another friend of mine designs socks, and once, at an after-hours, I spent most of the night talking to a tool and dye fabricator. I don't think I've met anyone as content with their life since.

I always thought life was about doing what I thought I should do. Now I've realized it's about doing what I know I want to. It's a hard thing to realize, I think, but I'm getting there. I just shaved my moustache off. I don't know if that's relevant, but it sure feels that way.

Jesus this ended up being a real downer. It must be that it's 5:00 am on a Monday night. I can't sleep and I'm working on a deadline. It's a hard sort of time to be hopeful. But the cliché says that it's always darkest before dawn, and it's only an hour or two until sunrise. I think I'll just put on a little Jon-Rae and wait things out. Good luck, tomorrow!