These days most bands are packaged material, wrapped in cellophane and polished to a dazzling sheen. Some have become stereotyped and commodified by audiences, the media and the industry that once the layers are peeled back our poor hapless music fan is left to find three or four empty shells of human carcasses, ravaged by the soulless goons who dared to hack the band apart and arrange them on rice like sushi, without even the common decency to allow them to simmer in their own zesty bubbling personality. Armed to the teeth with angular guitars, danceable rhythms and an honest approach to pop music, Born Ruffians are soon to be a force to be reckoned with in the Greater Toronto Area. After researching their darling MySpace page I dispatched and received online transmissions from our humble lords, I found them to be a rather jovial bunch, with a sharp wit and a keen eye for hilarity, if that can even be visualized. Which left me with a dilemma: how to go about introducing the Wavelength World to a great band with an even greater personality? What questions could I ask that could even remotely do them justice as people and not just as 'œa band'?? How can I break the mold and let these Ruffians roam free-range upon the golden literary plains? Aw hell, I said. Let them do it themselves. I gave our Ruff Ryders some statements and I left it to them to describe how the members are best exemplified in these scenarios. Here's what I got back:

fians are various countries in the United Nations...

It would be unfair to assign the countries of the United Nations to various aspects or members of Born Ruffians, or even the whole band itself. In order to be as fair and realistic as possible, Born Ruffians have declared themselves independent of Canada and are applying to become a member of the United Nations. Prime Minister: Luke Lalonde. Governor General: Adrian Clarkson (Steve Hamelin is a close second). Secretary of Defense/Lunch Coordinator: Mitch DeRosier. Chief Export: The cream in your jeans. But if not, then we're Chad.

Born Ruffians are Toronto architectural landmarks...

We're what would happen if you forcefully stuffed the CN Tower up the bum of Exhibition Park while the Science Centre films it and sells it on eBay. But that whole ordeal is recorded with audio'”which we promptly throw away and play our songs. At least, that's how our parents describe us.

Born Ruffians are woodland animals...

Untrue. Born Ruffians were woodland animals. The operation was successful.

Born Ruffians are the cast of the Breakfast Club...

Fuck the Breakfast Club. If the Born Ruffians were breakfast they would be Cream of Wheat, because it looks plain and gross but you always end up eating it and when your friends catch you eating it they're like, "Eww gross, you're eating Cream of Wheat," and then you're like, "So try some!" and they're like, "No way," and you're like, "Just try some," so then they do and they say, "It tastes like nothing," and you say, "Exactly!" and then you're both full.

Or Frosted Mini Wheats, cause we're three white squares. Hey-o.

Born Ruffians are a McDonald's Happy Meal...

This one's easy. Luke is the burger, Steve is the french fries, and Mitch is the diarrhea that runs down your leg three minutes after eating it.

Born Ruffians are automobiles and motorcycles...

A badass convertible motorcycle peels up to the curb and picks up a sexy lady. She doesn't get on right away, because she doesn't see who's driving it. It's Born Ruffians. She faints and sighs and moans all at once and floats over to the wicked ride. We do her without even thinking twice about it, or even caring. I mean, fuck, who does this ho think she is? She's no Born Ruffians, that's for sure. So she gets kicked to the curb and we totally ride off into the sunset, which is so fucking pretty you cry forever.

Born Ruffians are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

Yes.

by Mike Perreault