They fight. They sing real loud while they fight. They drink. They fight. They sing while they drink and fight. They are VERY aptly named. Brendan Howlett sat down with Garbage!Violence!Enthusiasm! and dodged the shrapnel.

HELLOOOO! SAY YOUR NAMES AND WHAT YOU DO!

Thomas: My job in the band is to pretty much just be the band bitch. Like, the whipping boy. I don't really know how it turned out like this. Amy and Jay totally used to respect me. Back in December, we were still drinking and fighting as equals. But over time their respect for me eroded into a depressing chasm. Like those houses that you see in National Geographic that are falling off cliffs because of an earthquake.

Amy: Thomas exaggerates. If he weren't so narcissistic, he wouldn't be comparing us teasing him to people losing their homes in natural disasters. Think about it. Oh, and I'm Amy. I'm the disorganized band dictator.

Jay: I make sure that Thomas never feels like a valued member of the band. I also punch people in the spine and provide extremely cheap wine in unmarked bottles. Oh, and for the record we never respected Thomas.

"We don't need more feelings, SO SHUT UP AND FIGHT!!!"? BRILLIANT. TELL ME ONE OF YOU HAS THIS TATTOOED SOMEWHERE. So no feelings, huh? WHAT ABOUT FEARS AND/OR ALLERGIES?

T: Amy has an equivalent tattoo on her inside right thigh. She showed me once but I don't think she'll ever show me again. I'd describe it, but it's really not my place. I'm afraid of the wind, but I don't let it hinder me musically. I've learned to cope. Sometimes I feel like I want to quit the band. I deal with them the best I can, but even professionals can't be professional all the time. I just saw Amy crying after watching some TV show yesterday. You won't catch me crying unless you kick me in the junk.

A: Thomas has never seen the inside of my right thigh and never will, but getting a "NO FEELINGS" tattoo is now on my agenda. I don't fear death and dairy makes me vomit. I rolled all my feelings up into a ball and kicked them to the moon long ago.

J: Tattoos are for wusses. We're making an appointment with a cattle brander. I don't have any fears or allergies but Amy is allergic to cheese and Thomas is allergic to peanuts. They are weak and if natural selection were still worth a damn the gene pool would have kicked them out a long time ago.

SO YOU ARE MAKING AN ALBUM? DID YOU JUST RECORD YOURSELVES BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF A RECORDING STUDIO?

J: We've had some trouble getting a good sound from the studio beatings. It tends to sound a bit flat so we're saving up for a good quality condenser mic and a couple tons of ammonium nitrate.

Jaythmas, Did you know that Amy thinks that a unicorn's horn is called a "syllabus"? Yeah, that's my fault. HIT HER WITH AN ALUMINUM TRAY TO ADVANCE 5 SPACES. GO!

A: FUCK YOUR FACE, BRENDAN! WHO DIED AND MADE YOU LORD UNICORN? I do enjoy "Jaythmas" though.

J: Amy's an idiot. Did I mention she's allergic to cheese? Seriously, I'm surrounded by douchetards.

A: Wait, remind me which of us is now part of a pseudo-celebrity couple with Tom. REMIND ME, JAYTHMAS.

T: Is this too long yet? I'm just killing time before I go out.

Cooking with G!V!E! Your best recipe: GO! BEST RECIPE WINS THE INTERVIEW.

T: Since I'm the only non-sissy in the band, I'll post a recipe with meat. I can't believe my jock bandmates are sissy veggies. Anyway I pulled this from delicious-recipies.com. I like to record all the good recip--

[Interrupting] YOU COPIED OFF THE INTERNET??!?! DISQUALIFIED'D. NEXT!

A: Tom is a jagoff and thinks that understanding the ethical and ecological concerns of vegetarianism makes me one. I am not. I WILL EAT AN ENTIRE COW WHILE PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE TO PROVE IT. Now for the food. This is my favourite:

God's Yoni Calzone
1 ball pizza dough
tomato paste and basil pesto
shrimp
Cajun seasoning
herbed chevre
red peppers
spinach
avocado
red onion
fresh cilantro
(I refuse to provide measurements. Just think of a reasonable amount to use and double it.)

COOK THE SHRIMP WITH CAJUN SEASONING. ROLL OUT THE ENTIRE DOUGH BALL. SMEAR THE PASTE AND PESTO ON IT. CUT UP ALL THE OTHER JUNK AND PUT IT ON ONE HALF OF THE FLATTENED DOUGH WITH THE SHRIMP. FOLD. COOK AT ABOUT 375 UNTIL YOUR CALZONE LOOKS LIKE A GIANT YONI. YOU CAN THANK ME LATER!

PASSABLE. NEXT! JAY?

J: ½ bottle of Gin
3 cans of tonic water
1 Lime (sliced)
Ice

Description:
Mix all ingredients in a pitcher. Drink. Repeat.

THIS DOES NOT COUNT. DISQUALIFIED. AMY WINS BY DEFAULT. BARELY. WHAT A SAD DAY.

By Brendan Howlett