When Roger Williams first began to settle Rhode Island in 1636, he would never have guessed that in 370 years Providence would have formed "sister cities" with Phnom Penh, Florence, Riga and Santo Domingo, let alone his land once decreed as "God's merciful providence" spawning an evil corporation fornicating and fighting under the band moniker Triangle Forest. Tyrone Warner came up with a list of demands and those corporate bastards did their best to comply.

Please introduce your band, alphabetically if possible.

Alexandra Kleeman, CCO, CKO, utilizes keytars and synths for bass production, likes poetry and brain functions. Benjamin Britton, CFO, CPO, exploits the use of octopad drums, enjoys photographic machinery, whiskey, and pastoral sunshine. Brendan Britton, CEO, CTO, controls plastic guitars, synthesizers, and vocals, likes general relativity and astropornography.

Tell me, what is the coolest thing in the whole world?

Do you mean in the metaphysical sense? Well, in that case, the coolest thing is probably Neptune's moon Triton, which has an average surface temperature of 38K. But actually, that's more like the coldest thing: the coolest thing is actually watching an alien gangbang on Triton from the Hubble Space Telescope.

If your band was a flavour, what would it taste like?

Imagine a deranged monster lording over you that places a tiny pill of mescaline on your tongue and waits as your saliva begins to moisten the conductive crystals. He then allows a high-voltage triangle waveform to enter your brain by means of the conductive mescaline. Well, that deranged monster is us and that voltage signal would constitute our music, the mix-down of our collective instruments, and that taste would be the taste of Triangle Forest.

Why did Triangle Forest become a band? Why do you keep making music?

We are a corporation utterly without conscience who will break any international law in order to bring you the most infectious musical diseases. We formed in the summer of 2005 to grow as large and as powerful as possible, to distribute more effective hi-NRG jams to the world, and to reap as much profit as ruthlessly as possible.

Tell me about the instruments Triangle Forest plays.

We are an all digital band that produces consumer-ready, ass-thumpin' triangle waves using a variety of musical devices. Ben plays a Roland SPD-20 Octopad beat machine. Alex plays an Alesis Micron Synth and a Yamaha SHS-10 Keytar. Brendan plays the Casio DG-20 (a revolutionary plastic guitar) and a Novation Supernova II. Each of these instruments has been fine-tuned to blow an audience member's brains out through their ass.

Do you think calling your style "80's music" is fair?

This happens occasionally, and I'm not sure what to say... I'd say we are more like 2000's music because the music we are making is now and not from any other time. For instance, many bands in the 80's had homosexual haircuts. You will notice from our glossies that no one in our band makes use of a homosexual haircut... although we reserve the right to in the future, should we get better stylists. Maybe part of the problem is that so far there was only really one decade where bands using synthesizers existed, and that was the 80's.

Is there any sexual tension in the band? People love to hear about that stuff.

Alex likes to straddle her keytar like a horsey. Ben has ultra sensitive pads and likes to beat off. Brendan enjoys stroking his guitar shaft. Sometimes we take MIDI dumps on each other, and this tends to lubricate the creative process. But mostly we have sex with our secretaries at work, like chief executives in any corporation.

How many times have you seen a normal human brain blown out of someone's ass?

Usually after one of our sets someone will stumble up to the stage and just repeatedly point to their messy bottom while stammering "d-d-dudes, mindless!" It's difficult to watch, but hey, that's the cold-hearted nature of capitalism.

What's with the evil?

As a corporation, we are inherently evil. That's the cold-hearted nature of capitalism.

By Tyrone Warner