The Riptorns are assholes, in case you didn’t know. Watching one of their shows is like watching three Tourette’s and A.D.D. afflicted six-year-olds freak out in a garage. Their single mother meanwhile hangs herself in the attic, wasting her death rattle to curse her own rotten loins for spawning these bastards. Predictably, Evan Dickson’s honest attempts at dialogue were met with ungrammatical undeserved abuse.<!--more-->

With other bands I might ask you which instruments you play. That doesn’t seem to apply here. Instead, introduce yourselves and talk about how your personalities clash or combine during a Riptorns performance.

Jeff Wright: Hi. I’m Jeff. I’m one of the not-ugly members of the band. Mounsey is the other one. McLaren is our token ugly. We don’t want to be called a fashion band.

Ryan Mounsey: HI I’M RYAN MOUNSEY. I AM ALSO IN THE BAND. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF ME? I’M A FUCKING LEGEND! DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH PLEASE. IT’S LIKE I WAS SAYING TO HENRI FABREGE AT THE BORN RUFFIANS SHOW THE OTHER NIGHT IT’S ALL ABOUT COMMUNITY.

Ryan McLaren: I’m quitting this band because it’s completely fucking pointless. Jeff Wright is a pretentious art snob that’s allergic to milk (pussy) and Ryan Mounsey has been an emotional wreck ever since he found out he’s Puerto Rican. I’m starting a new band with Tim Perlich, Stuart Berman and Nick Flanagan called The White Belts. We’re going to have backing beats on an iPod and we’re going to shout about vague political theory that’s at least 20 years old. We’re only going to play loft parties where everyone’s on E or coke and they’re all going to think it’s revolutionary and buy a ton of our shittily produced CDs and t-shirts cause “they’re so indie".

Ryan doesn’t want to play Wavelength and doesn’t think the Riptorns should have been booked in the first place. Please comment.

McLaren: Fuck you Evan Dickson, you dog-hating baby fucker. Eat a bag of dicks.

Mounsey: WHICH RYAN? RYAN MOUNSEY OR RYAN MACLAREN? HOWEVER YOU SPELL THAT FUCKS NAME? WHO CARES ABOUT WAVELENGTH? IT’S AS RELEVENT AS WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT SNEAKY DEE’S. PLUS I HEARD THEY ARE GONNA USE THEIR CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP TO DO A PRINT ZINE. DAVY LOVE. DAN BURKE and KEITH HAMILTON.

Wright: Ryan McLaren doesn’t want to play Wavelength. Yeah. He’s a bit protective of Wavelength, isn’t he? He hasn’t stopped 7,000 of Matt Collins’ joke bands (i.e.: Ninja High School) from playing.

How and why the fuck do the Riptorns even exist at all? Honestly. Admit that if you have played (n) number of shows, that is (n - 1) too many.

Mounsey: DID YOU SEE TEH (sic – ED) SHOW AT RANCHO? THAT’S WHY? CAUSE I’M SO AWESOME. AWESOMER THAN THAT ONE TIME ME, JOHNNY DOVERCOURT, MATT COLLINS and OWEN PALLETT and SARAH LISS egged Doc Pickles’ HOUSE.

Wright: BORING QUESTION!

Name one reason why anybody should stick around after midnight to see you on the 14th.

Mounsey: I CAN’T. IT WOULD RUIN MANY SURPRISES. LIKE A BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE SHOW. ITS LIKE, HEY IS MY GOOD BUDDIES FEIST GONNA BE ONSTAGE WITH HER OVERSIZED INCOGNITO SUNGLASSES, MAYBE JIAN GOMESHI OR SOOK YIN LEE, WHO I AM ALSO FRIENDS WITH AS PART OF THE MUSIC COMMUNITY WILL BE UP THERE. TORONTO IS THE GREATEST CITY BECAUSE WE ARE ALL SO TALENTED AND SUPPORTIVE OF THE COMMUNITY SCENE.

McLAREN: People shouldn’t stick around. They should leave right before we go on so we can just take our door money and leave early.

It seems to me that The Riptorns began as a sort of joke on the audience. Later, as you developed a reputation, the joke was no longer just on the audience, but on bookers as well. Like, “I’ve heard a lot about these Riptorns, I’ll bet they could bring people to this bar.” Could the Riptorns be a performance art commentary on the economy behind booing decisions at venues? Isn’t your bullshit actually brilliance?

Wright: None of what you just said applies to the band so far as I’m concerned. You’ve maybe been talking to McLaren too much. Mounsey knows what’s what more than him, but really… There’s nothing to analyze. Just come see us play.

Mounsey: TOO MANY WORDS IN THE LAST QUESTION. FEIST BABY! CALL ME!

McLaren: Wavelength is a piece of shit and Sneaky Dee’s is a piece of shit (Thanks for the renovations assholes, what’s next, velvet rope?). You’re fucking lucky to have us playing, douchebag. People book us because we make them shitloads of fucking money and because we’re doing something completely original. People hate us because they’re retards who don’t understand what the fuck art is. (Although most of the people that like us only like us because they don’t want people to know that they’re too fucking stupid to understand what the fuck art is.) We’re a punk band, plain and fucking simple, and if it weren’t for us no one would give a shit about this piss hole city.

By Evan Dickson