Short of finding tarsands in the Oak Ridges Moraine, there’s no better way to print money than shaking down the poor and the vulnerable. Ontario Finance Minister Dwight Duncan can no longer count on finding new revenue by steadily eroding social services and public housing - that well has been steadily dried-up over the last twenty years - so yesterday’s announcement that he has plans to open a facility entirely dedicated to shaking down the poor, right down to their last broken dream, was just the bold sort of thinking we haven’t seen from this government since they implemented the health care premium and used the money to feed hungry health care consultants lunch. It’s high time for taxpayers to take back their hard earned tax dollars. It’s casino time.

Since we’ve done away with the social safety net long ago, leaving a few ratty old shreds of social safety mosquito netting where an actual system once functioned, the poorest of the poor and those with the least amount of hope will be predisposed to gladly spend their last few rubles on the slots. As citizens of Winnipeg, Halifax, and Montreal can attest, nothing injects fresh life into a bar like a row of exciting beeping and flashing slot machines.

Wavelength’s crack analysis team has combed through the gutters of socioeconomic data about of our lopsided city in an effort to find the perfect location for a successful casino, and after careful analysis of poverty, prostitution, disability, recent immigrant data, and education data we have narrowed it down to a no-brainer location for the shakedown facility: Ward 2, aka Etobicoke North, across the street from Rob Ford’s modest little bungalow. I know, I thought it would have been at Ontario Place, or possibly the former location of the Centre for Addiction Research and Mental Health, but after careful analysis we conclude that the centre of gravity when it comes to the poorest of the poor has moved to the northwest area of Toronto, and here are 5 reasons why a casino in Ward 2 would guarantee continued success for Toronto’s newest world class attraction, and a solid source of revenue for all future provincial governments:

1. Little or no education. Ward 2 is adjacent to a swath of Toronto with the highest concentration of people with no high school education, which should keep gamblers coming back for more in the hopes of winning the cash equivalent of a diploma.

2. The Johns. The sex trade and gambling profession go hand in hand, and Ward 2’s high rates of chlamydia and gonorrhea among men 20-24 years old indicates that this is where many of the prime customers live. The neighborhood is woefully underserviced by street level sex trade services, a casino would help bring the bacon a bit closer to home, and save hard working taxpayers gas money by cutting their driving time since they won’t have to crash downtown neighbourhoods like Parkdale anymore.

3. Abject Poverty. In terms of income, Ward 2 is right next to a remarkably high concentration of the bottom 10 percent of income earners in the city, the poorest of the poor, as indicated in red on the map.

4. The sick and the disabled. Ward 2 is also a short LRT ride from one of the highest concentrations of both adults and seniors with some sort of activity limitation. Nothing helps a casino fund the sweet smell of success like wheelchair treads in the carpet.

5. First generation Canadians. In addition to the above positive indicators, the new casino would be just east of the airport (where many immigrants deplane and declare), and is close to where many of the poorest first generation Canadians find themselves living, in holes, trying to dig out of them, only to fall further into the cycle of poverty, becoming instant casino patrons.

All in all, a perfect storm. There is of course additional research to be done when it comes to finding the highest rates of mental health problems and the mother of all demographics: people with gambling addictions, but these five indicators lead us to conclude that Minister Duncan will find plenty of gambling addicts and the right climate of hopeless desperation in the neighborhoods in and around Ward 2 for this casino to begin to make some serious government revenue. The neighbourhood even boasts a healthy concentration of low-income families:

For reference, here are the 10 ideal personality traits this new Casino will be counting on to ensure it meets the needs of Ontario’s taxpayers, as provided by http://gambling.addictionblog.org/top-10-signs-of-gambling-addiction/

1. Inability to stop or reduce gambling
2. Obsessive or compulsive thinking about about gambling
3. Continued gambling despite negative consequences: loss of job, relationship, or opportunities
4. Increased tolerance; needing larger or more frequent wagers to experience the same “rush”
5. Emotional symptoms of withdrawal when you stop or reduce gambling (irritation, restlessness)
6. Needing to gamble to improve your mood, escape problems, win back losses
7. Breaking the law in order to get gambling money or recover gambling losses (stealing, fraud,)
8. Asking for financial assistance as a result of gambling
9. Denial of a gambling problem or lying to friends or family about behavior
10. Frequent changes of mood