GOT-STOOD-UP CHOCOLATE OATMEAL COOKIES

This month's chef: Not Will Munro

Sometimes, a girl just gets stood up. The initial exchanges seem promising, she gets all excited, picks out her outfit, and then suddenly she realizes that her deadline is fast approaching and her celebrity chef of choice WON'T RETURN HER CALLS! Paralytic depression and low self-esteem can only be fended off by immediate and repeated doses of chocolate baked goods.

Baking can be a bit scary to the average bear. Unlike the stir-frys* and soups all novice home cookers can knock out with just a little help, baking involves serious, practical chemistry. There's a very good reason for all the proportions and orders-of-operations in a successful cookie recipe. That being said, baking is soooo worth the effort. Big stacks of warm, homemade cookies and crackers, not to mention cakes and pies and bready things, are exactly what you want filling your kitchen, ready for eating and making your whole apartment smell stupid good. And if you do decide to throw caution to the wind and experiment, the worst thing that'll happen is that you'll have blown half and hour or so having fun and making mudpies. Or you might just come up with some brand new brilliant, previously unknown cookie that will make your rep among pals and roommates.

Another excellent reason to learn the basics of baking is that so many of the ingredients are cheap as fuck and non-perishable, and can be stored in a corner of your kitchen until needed. Hell, you've probably already got most of the things you need. Cocoa, oatmeal, baking powder and the like seem to find their way into even the least domestic person's cupboards. Everything's all ready for emergencies.

So if you're sitting home alone, feeling rejected and dejected, or mourning John Peel**, or whatever, why not do a big bake? A quick trip to any grocery store will get you any supplies you need, you'll be off your ass and doing something, and you will be on your way to feeding yourself handfuls of the ultimate anti-depressant. All sadness can be soothed with cookies, and nervous fears becalmed with chocolate.

Pre-heat your oven to about 350°. Cream together 1 cup margarine, 1 cup brown sugar, and two eggs, or their equivalent in egg replacer. (Vanilla custard, made from custard powder and soymilk, is the bestest egg replacer around for baking with. A tin of custard powder costs like, half of what a box of powdered 'œEgg Replacer'? will set you back.)

In another bowl, mix together: 1 cup quick cook oats
1 1/2 cups flour (Whole wheat is my fave, for the nostalgic 'œmom cookies'? flavour and texture. But I was raised by a bunch of hippies.) 1/4 cup almond meal (That's ground almonds with the skin still on. It makes the cookies moist and fudgey. Get it in bulk in Kensington Market) 1/3 cup cocoa powder dash each of cinnamon and salt 1 tsp baking powder.

Mix the dry ingredients into the wet. When thoroughly mixed, make circley cookies by scooping up bits of dough about the size of ping-pong balls, and rolling and squishing them between your palms. Cook the cookies on an ungreased baking sheet for about 12 minutes per sheet.

Makes about 30 cookies.

*And can I just have a word with the boys out there that think they impress anyone with their stir-fry-making skills? And who ask you over and are all like 'œYeah, I'm going to, like, cook you dinner.'? And 'œdinner'? is the same stir-fry recipe that they hand out to all boys in high school health class, or something. That shit's not gonna get you laid past the age of 30, guys. Learn some new recipes, cause you don't want to be Stir Fry Guy. Cause you know who Stir Fry Guy grows up to be? Paella Man. And you really, really don't want to be Paella Man.

** Who, in addition to all his other coolnesses, was a vegetarian, too.

(Rock'n'Roll Cooking show returns to it's regular format next month. Confidential to W.M.: Call me! We can still be friends, right?)

BY EMILY ZIMMERMAN - EMILY@WAVELENGTHTORONTO.COM

DEAR MARCEL,
I FEAR I HAVE MADE A HORRIBLE BREACH OF ETIQUETTE. WHILE OUT WITH SOME CO-WORKERS RECENTLY THE CONVERSATION TURNED TO THE BAR SCENE IN STAR WARS. WHEN ONE GUY BROUGHT UP THE TOPIC, ANOTHER ASKED "ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE FIRST STAR WARS OR EPISODE ONE?" IMMEDIATELY UPON HEARING THESE WORDS I REPEATED THEM IN MY BEST NERDY VOICE. UPON DELIVERY OF THIS TEASING, THE GUY IT WAS DIRECTED TOWARD CLAMMED UP AND REMAINED WITHDRAWN FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. MY INTENTION WAS GOOD NATURED RIBBING, BUT NOW I FEAR I REALLY HURT HIS FEELINGS. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM?
- JABBA JERK

I'll tell ya, Jerk, I really don't think you have much to worry about on this one. While your humour was deliberately aimed at this one character, I don't think it was anything of such a harsh nature that he couldn't get over it right quick enough. And if he can't, he is truly a pale flower and it would be a public service to him to get harsher with your barbs so as to integrate him properly into civilized society.

A few jokes and some mild teasing are to be expected when you get a group of people together to talk over drinks. In fact, it is a major component to the camaraderie that is being attempted. The appropriate response, on his end, would have been to laugh along with you and maybe offer up a good-natured "fuck you" to recognize that he's been zinged.

Still, I suppose you may have hurt his feelings. And while that may not be an entirely reasonable result of your actions, you may be the sort who won't feel right about it. If this is the case you could always get him a fruit basket or an early valentine. I'm sure the sentiment will have him weeping with forgiveness.

DEAR MARCEL,
I AM WRITING IN RESPONSE TO YOUR ADVICE TO PSEUDONYM WITHHELD UPON REQUEST. (OCTOBER WAVELENGTH). HOW COULD YOU TELL HIM TO PRETEND TO LIKE THE ARCADE FIRE? HOW DARE YOU!?! THIS IS CLEARLY ONE OF THE FEW CLEAR MINDED AND RATIONAL PEOPLE IN THIS CITY. I SUPPOSE IF HE WAS AN AMERICAN ASKING FOR VOTING ADVICE YOU WOULD TELL HIM TO VOTE BUSH JUST TO AVOID ROCKING THE BOAT. BECAUSE WHAT YOU'VE TOLD HIM TO DO IS TANTAMOUNT TO VOTING BUSH. THE ARCADE FIRE ARE EVIL. THEY SUPPORT THE CORPORATIONS AND THAT IS HOW THEY MAKE THEIR MONEY. NO, ACTUALLY, IT'S A MEDIA CONSPIRACY! THEY ARE IN BED WITH THE MEDIA (WHO ARE IN BED WITH THE CORPORATIONS - WHO ARE IN BED WITH GEORGE W. BUSH) WHO HAVE BRAINWASHED THE INDIE ROCK MASSES. I MEAN DID YOU NOTICE HOW NOBODY EVER LISTENED TO THE ARCADE FIRE OR WENT TO ANY OF THEIR SHOWS AND ALL OF A SUDDEN EXCLAIM! AND NOW DO COVER STORIES ON THEM AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO NOT LIKE THEM.

IT ALSO MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE THE WAY PEOPLE DANCE AT THEIR SHOWS. THEY SEEM LIKE THEY'VE TURNED INTO MINDLESS ZOMBIES - AS IF THE ARCADE FIRE HAVE BEEN HAND SELECTED BY GEORGE W. BUSH HIMSELF TO HEAD UP THE NEW ARYAN-BELTED YOUTH MOVEMENT.

PEOPLE, RISE UP AGAINST THIS POPPY, DANCEABLE FASCISM! CLEAR YOUR HEADS OF THE CORPORATE MEDIA, BUSH-CRONY, SATAN WORSHIPPING CONSPIRACY. LISTEN TO MUSIC THAT IS SINCERE! MUSIC THAT IS REAL!

LISTEN TO ANDREW WK!
- HUNKY WHITEMAN

SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO: DEARMARCEL@WAVELENGTHTORONTO.COM

ACTION MAKES
CD-REO Bloodwagon (www.actionmakes.com)
This is kick-ass guitar rock with beefy bass and the occasional keyboard, swaying slightly into pop territory with the second track, and a peppering of experimentation in structure and melody. eaThe first two tracks are solid, but the third is the money shot, with jagged stop-starts and guitar squelch, flowing perfectly into Death From Above 1979 bass lines, then Raising the Fawn guitar tapestry, and then back to a freak-out. My only complaint is that the recording lacks a certain visceral punch that you expect from what you're hearing. No matter how loud you crank it, it's just not shaking you the way it seems like it should. I wanted to feel this in my bones, but it just didn't happen. Regardless, this is a tight and involving EP that shows a lot of promise. - RM
File next to: Chopped bits of good hooks, choruses, and interludes in a blender.

CASTANETS
Cathedral (Asthmatic Kitty, www.asthmatickitty.com)
They've gotten love from Sufjan Stevens and their album features contributions from members of Pinback, Rocket From The Crypt and Black Heart Procession, but Castanets aren't quite there yet. Cathedral shows a lot of promise but never manages to truly deliver. The record's main flaw is, ironically, the same thing that gives Castanets their appeal: good ideas. On virtually every song something happens that will seize the attention of any listener, whether it's the grim, funereal opening track "Cathedral 2" or the surprisingly laid back "As You Do" or, most enticingly, the final track, "Cathedral 4 (The Unbreaking Branch and Song)" a song that almost dances into pop territory. The problem is that these ideas are often simply left unresolved, making Cathedral an interesting but occasionally maddening listen. However, based on this debut, expectations for their sophomore effort should be sky-high. - RH
File next to: The rest of Asthmatic Kitty, Animal Collective, Palace.

THE CREEPING NOBODIES
Stop Movement Stop Loss (Blocks Recording Club, www.blocksblocksblocks.com)
As the latest Wavelength editorial meeting hit a fevered pitch, Stop Movement Stop Loss found itself on Jonny Dovercourt's CD player. The following are snippets of conversations between our editorial staff:
Kerry Potts: It's like they're trying to sound creepy.
Shaunna Bednarek: Well they are the Creeping Nobodies.
Kevin Shutterbug: Yeah, but they're not the Creepy Nobodies. [...] Can you understand what he's saying? I've been trying to figure it out for weeks.
Ryan McLaren: I can hear the odd word - I can hear "pacifist."
Star DT: Well, right now he's going "rowr, rowr, rowr." [...]
KS: Do you like this song?
Wesley J Ramos: Yeah.
RM: I really like the whole album, it's kinda loud, but personal.
SB: I'm really picky with the loud stuff I like - and I like this. That song was a total Sonic Youth thing.
WJR: Yeah.
KS: Which one was that?
SB: That "yooo yooo yoooo" stuff, Goo-era Sonic Youth.
WJR: Yeah. [...]
RM: What did Creeping Nobodies' early stuff sound like?
Jonny Dovercourt: I saw their first show, whaddya wanna know?
KS: They had some happy song about clouds. [...] I'm excited to hear what they are going to do next now that they have a solid line-up again.
RM: Yeah, with less volatility - ironically.
JD: It's a great recording, it makes them seem like an even more powerful band.
KP: And there's enough variation between songs.
WJR: Yeah.
SB: Can we listen to Usher? [...]
JD: Hey, we need a "File Next to..."
WJR: Yeah.

JULIE DOIRON
Goodnight Nobody (Endearing; www.juliedoiron.com)
East coast indie chanteuse Julie Doiron's new disc is kind of a come full-circle effort from her early days as Eric Trip bassist and subsequent Broken Girl. There's a new confidence and resolution about her place in the world. With backing band Herman Dune this time out, Julie really conveys her moods with various textures behind her quiet singing. This matching yields some wonderful, and at times very rocking, results. This album is also a means for Julie to come to terms with being a travelling performer who plays the dual role of mother. Many of these songs are about loneliness and disconnection from her family. There is also that ever-present wintery Canadian-ess that Julie has been able to capture over her many albums, which I just love. A precious collection of songs of snowpants, hibernation and the vastness of this country mixed with her trademark melancholia. - SV
File next to: Juno-winners still rockin' it indie style, cool moms, Miss Cat Power.

CHRIS EATON
The Inactivist
(Insomniac Press, www.insomniacpress.com)
Eaton's book reflects a world of brand worship vs. Naomi Klein. A world where we can't get enough of those Sugar Crisps, cigarettes are Kool® and our lives lived under the conditioning of hamburger spokesclowns. Ad writer Kitchen is at a crossroads after years of thinking of the next big way to sell. His life is a mix of ennui and company slogans; every thought with a trademark attached to it. Cynical and recently dumped, Kitchen is unsure where to turn. Do nothing - the new mantra of his friend Miter, the founder of the Inactivists - or do something of worth? Then he meets Gage who makes him question his empty values. The Inactivist is an Orwellian vision of despot advertising mechanics and how they've shaped (or warped) common thinking. A darkly satirical comment on our times with an important message for our generation. - SV
File next to: Mr. Coupland meet Mr. Palhaniuk, Ron English's Agit-Pop, this brand's for you.

FRANK BLACK FRANCIS
s/t (Sonic Unyon, www.sonicunyon.com)
The Pixies are the single most unpretentious, fun band that I know - they sing about what they want, whether it's aliens, old crushes, prostitutes, or just oblique poetry. Every Pixies song has a character of its own, and that's pretty easy to see on this new Frank Black archival release, Frank Black Francis. "Frank Black" is the stage name taken after the pixies broke up, "Black Francis" was the name he used when they were together, so it's fitting that the CD is divided in such a way. The first disc is a collection of demos predating Come on Pilgrim, all only Black Francis and an acoustic guitar; it shows the songs in their most embryonic state, with Francis interjecting comments like "this is where the drums come in" and "here's where I start to scream." It's lo-fi and sometimes it doesn't succeed, but that's not really the point of having it. The second disc, on the other hand, is purely bizarre. It offers refurbished versions of Pixies songs with David Thomas cohorts the Two Pale Boys; electro interpretations, ambient, jazz, mariachi - basically Pixies songs like you've never heard them. I've read reviews that say this disc is a failure, but it's not. The reinterpretations of old favourites usually succeed and the playing is pretty (check out the understated trumpet on "Where is My Mind?"). This CD is essential for Pixies fans (who probably by now own it) and great for anyone else. - AG
File next to: Frank Black, Surfer Rosa, nostalgia for juvenilia that's long gone.

GENTLEMAN REG
Darby & Joan (Three Gut, www.threegutrecords.com)
I'm well aware I'm one of the few people who haven't sold their copy of James Iha's 1998 solo disc Let It Come Down for two dollars to Sonic Boom. So, after the demise of The Smashing Pumpkins, I was also one of the few anticipating a follow-up. Instead of delivering the second solo album goods, Iha has spent the past four years being a lame New York City socialite lush and collecting paycheques as a touring guitarist for the coma-enducing, goth-for-frat-boys band A Perfect Circle. Turns out Darby & Joan is the second Iha album I've been waiting for. Comparing Reg to Iha really isn't that far-fetched (and comparing him to a "metrosexual" Asian-American singer-songwriter is way less obvious than comparing him to that other gay Canadian singer-songwriter). Like Iha did, Reg plays in a band (The Hidden Cameras) with a devoted following and a rumoured-to-be temperamental genius of a front-man. Like Iha, Reg isn't really the best singer in the world and has this endearingly sincere way of singing, like a little kid that's really trying to sound good. Most importantly, like Iha, Reg is a very talented pop songwriter - though I will give Reg the upper-hand in lyric-writing. Darby & Joan, like Let It Come Down, is a pretty, catchy, and just a little bit cheesy collection of well-crafted love songs. And to me, that's a good thing. - SB
File next to: I'm also well aware that it's uncool to reference (members of) your favourite band from high school, unless it was Sonic Youth or Beat Happening, and I really don't care. Let It Come Down, motherfuckers!

LIZ JANES
Poison Snakes (Asthmatic Kitty, www.asthmatickitty.com)
I've listened to this near on ten times and I still can't figure out whether I like it or not. The instrumentation is top notch, but Liz has the kind of voice that makes cats cry. Except once you get used to her voice, it becomes okay. Kind of. Then, I try listening to the lyrics and they don't make sense, except there seems to be some kind of Biblical element that I can't understand - or maybe it isn't there at all? All I can say about this, and I say it with love, is that it's unique. - AG
File next to: WTF?

JENS LEKMAN
When I Said I Wanted To Be Your Dog (Secretly Canadian/Sonic Unyon; www.jenslekman.tk)
Swedish songsmith Jens Lekman has given the mix-tape a much-needed resuscitation with his new disc and first release in the Canadia. "Happy Birthday, Dear Friend Lisa" is the perfect song to lead off a timely and lovingly crafted cassette care package (created in real time as opposed to abstractly dropped and dragged, but that's another manifesto) for your special sweetheart - or inaccessible object of desire. Indeed, unrequited love seems to make up much of Jens's grist for the songwriting mill, yet his devotion to his Silvias and Julias seems so pure and honest and well, happy (no emo self-pity here) that it is never cringe-inducing. In fact, the sense of intimacy here can be so convincing that on the Iggy-referencing title track, you want to put your arm around the guy and say, "c'mon buddy, you don't really just want to be her friend, tell her how you really feel." But this is just a record, and a great pop one at that, driven by Jens's Richman-meets-Sinatra baritone and lightly funky guitar strummage, as well as the occasional bursts of joyous horns and exultant strings. Most importantly for love struck and time-pressed mix-tape makers, these tunes' brevity should have long-winded popsters like Belle and Sebastian running scared. - JD
File next to: "Stephanie Says" by The Velvet Underground, "Brand New Love" by Sebadoh, anything by Jonathan Richman and/or The Modern Lovers.

MARY LOU LORD
Baby Blue (Rubic, www.rubicrecords.com)
I literally did a double take when I found out this is only Mary Lou Lord's second studio album. It feels like she's been around forever! Of course, the long gap between first album and second doesn't seem to have produced a big change in sound: Baby Blue gives the listener a reassuringly unchanged Mary Lou: relaxed, confident, tough and so sweet you can't help but think ol' Kurt picked the wrong girl. The album glides along from one very-slightly-rockin' song to another, none really standing out over the rest (aside from the Badfinger cover!). It's hardly essential, but if you ever find yourself pining for the mid-to-late nineties, Baby Blue should prove a breezy, heart-warming listen. - RH
File next to: Juliana Hatfield, big scratchy sweaters, "Goodnight you Kings of Maine, you Princes of New England."

MEDICATIONS
s/t (Dischord, www.dischord.com)
Holy shit, this is some fucked up shit. These guys sound exactly like the Matthew Good Band, except worse (!); they can play their instruments, but, so can Weather Report. What bugs me is the Dischord heads are still going to jerk off all over this - because it's Dischord! Ian McKaye couldn't make a mistake, it's all part of the master plans! Goddamn I hate Ian McKaye. Approach this with as much caution as possible. Actually, don't even approach it. - AG
File next to: Every other shitty Dischord band.

ROUTINEERS
s/t (Dischord, www.dischord.com)
It seems that Dischord have fallen out of favour with the kids a bit these days. Not surprising, considering the generally unironic and undanceable thrust of much of the Dischord catalogue. But if the kids sleep on the Routineers, it's really their loss. This eponymous debut by a band consisting of former members of Deep Six may not break new ground, but its lots of fun and a worthy substitute for a new Fugazi album. The album isn't without flaws however. Aside from didactic lyrics like "I'm an agnostic... I side with scientists" there's the old problem we call the punk rock curse: it's all just a wee bit repetitive. Put the best half-dozen songs on here on a mix-tape with Q And Not U, though, and you've got yourself a banger. - RH
File next to: Other Dischord bands?

NIKKI SUDDEN
Treasure Island (Secretly Canadian, www.secretlycanadian.com)
Who knows what happened to Nikki Sudden between the collapse of Swell Maps and the creation of his solo persona? There are about ten albums spanning the gap between 1977 and 2003 that Sudden has done, all of which I haven't heard. Let me just say that he sounds like Bruce Springsteen (if he were a pirate) playing with The Bad Seeds and Evergreen at an open mic night. Yes, it is fucked. No, I don't know how I feel about it. It's not bad, but I don't feel like I can properly critique it without hearing Sudden's other stuff. It feels like I've been given two separate evolutionary snapshots that are thousands of years apart and told to connect them. How can I do that? The most I can say is that I like them both, and would like to listen to more Nikki Sudden now because of it. - AG
File next to: Oh man, I don't know.

SWELL MAPS
Jane from Occupied Europe / Trip to Marineville (Secretly Canadian, www.secretlycanadian.com)
One of the most overlooked '70s post-punk bands around, Swell Maps created two albums in their short lifespan before disbanding. They are two of the most intense post-punk albums around; the dynamics keep shifting and vocalist Nikki Sudden screams like a motherfucker and it's noisy and strange and still sounds relevant right now. The angry, political tone reminds me of the first three Wire albums; the screeching distortion kind of reminds me of the Pop Group, there are traces of no-wave as reinterpreted by the UK, strong anti-funk riffs, treble-y guitars, torn up vocal chords - constantly forgotten no longer thanks to the good people at Secretly Canadian. Put down that new Shoplifting single, because it is shitty, and pick these up, because they are good. Still relevant after all these years. - AG
File next to: All those bands I name-checked.

TINKERTOY
Electric Wilderness (Noise Factory, www.noisefactoryrecords.com)
How do I construct a clear image of the landscapes contained in Electric Wilderness? For the electronically familiar, I would say this album is like the Orb, circa UFORB, shaking hands with Ricardo Villalobos (IloveyouhavemychildrenpleasexoKerry), without sounding remotely derivative. For others, imagine you are watching the sunrise over a golden field that is speckled by a cacophony of dancing, white-dreadlocked youth in oversized pants, and shirts that rearticulate the irrelevance of tie-dye. You are not dancing. No. You are buckled over in laughter, sitting in your parked car, listening to this album, watching the god-awful beauty of it all. Tinkertoy is particularly dear to my heart as they single-handedly renewed my faith in techno at the Brave New Waves 20th Anniversary. Unbeknownst to the indie rock massive in the basement, the electronic wunderkind-duo of Paul Shrimpton and Andrew Wedman were shaking asses and spilling overpriced drinks all over the newly polished floors of the Drake Lounge. Though this album is not as dance-tacular as that one-hour shuffle-mania, Tinkertoy has affirmed that there are still pioneering electronic producers who exist outside Montreal and Mutek, or who haven't left us for Germany. - KP
File next to: Swabbing your ears with velvet and cashmere.

SB = SHAUNNA BEDNAREK, JD = JONNY DOVERCOURT, AG = ANTHONY GERACE, RH = RYAN HARDY, KP = KERRY POTTS, SV = STEVEN VENN
SEND MUSIC FOR REVIEW TO: WAVELENGTH, P.O. BOX 86010, 670 BLOOR ST. W., TORONTO ON, M6G 1L2